magibrain

Okay, at this point I think everyone who reads this and cares about White Collar spoilers has watched up through 3x11 Checkmate, but just in case, I'm cutting this. (

squeemu, this may potentially be of interest to you? In a what-I'm-getting-you-into sort of way? And also an I-will-complain-about-this-in-your-general-direction-forever sort of way.)

magibrain: …man, I had an awesome idea for a White Collar fic but it requires knowledge of an episode I don't think you've seen yet.

yetregressing: oh man. WRITE IT ANYWAY and I'll read it after I hit the episode?

yetregressing: is it from season 3?

yetregressing: (the episode)

magibrain: Yep.

yetregressing: which one?

magibrain: …one of those damn ones that starts with C. Checkmate?

magibrain: THE ONE WITH THE GUY

yetregressing: AND THE THING?

yetregressing: yeah, not there yet. Only 3 more episodes to get there, though.

magibrain: THE BAD GUY. AND THE STUFF!

yetregressing: OH NO

yetregressing: I just read the episode description

magibrain: And Tim DeKay's awesome and slightly terrifying acting.

magibrain: Why would you read that. Why would you do such a thing.

yetregressing: it's just the like 2 sentence thing that Netflix gives you

yetregressing: not the entire thing

yetregressing: okay I am about to make lunch and since I've pounded out like nearly 1400 words of head injury fic for my other show, I deserve a couple episodes of White Collar so I will get closer

magibrain: XD ALL THE HEAD INJURIES

yetregressing: IT WENT FROM "let's give the main character a head injury because he gets flipped over in a road and just walks away from it!" to "OOPS IN DOING THIS I CHANGED THE COURSE OF THE ENTIRE EPISODE AND THEREFORE PROBABLY THE WHOLE ARC OF THIS SEASON THAT HASN'T EVEN RESOLVED YET GODDAMMIT"

magibrain: Man, I had that with Misfire.

magibrain: "Let's have something horrible happen from Neal's mishandling of this stolen gun! WHOOPS TOTALLY REWROTE THE END OF SEASON 2."

yetregressing: it's literally the worst. and because the show is still airing this season, I don't even know how far it'll deviate and I DIDN'T SIGN UP TO WRITE AN AU OF THE ENTIRE SEASON

yetregressing: I just wanted a head injury

yetregressing: (but with head injuries come headaches)

magibrain: I feel your pain. I feel so much of your pain.

magibrain: But yeah. I kinda want, after Checkmate, for there to be a series of vignettes or something where Elizabeth asks Diana to take her out to a shooting range and train her in how to use a gun, because it's a psychological security thing, and she doesn't want to ask Peter because Peter would get all protective and worried and guilty and awkward.

yetregressing: oh kids <3

yetregressing: DIANA AND EL??? I APPROVE

[...]

magibrain: Because the writers always want everything to go Neal's way, that's why.

yetregressing: but I don't

magibrain: This is why we fic. So much fic.

yetregressing: I rarely if ever like when things go Neal's way

yetregressing: I like when Neal gets things that make him happy

magibrain: I want things to go Peter's way.

yetregressing: but I almost never like the way that Neal wants to get the things that he wants

magibrain: I feel like Neal also has a somewhat warped understanding of what will actually make him happy. (Which is nothing compared to the epic distortion of Mozzie's understanding of what will make him happy.)

yetregressing: so. true.

yetregressing: But with Mozzie... idk. Mozzie tends on the whole to make me less angry.

yetregressing: Probably because he doesn't work with Peter except under duress

magibrain: I think Mozzie is also a bit more obviously screwed up.

magibrain: Like, the writers are more inclined to frame Mozzie's issues as… kinda pathological. Whereas with Neal, the framing is so often "Neal is so clever! Look at him being all clever and suave and pulling things over people!"

yetregressing: Yeah. Mozzie gets framed as (kindly) eccentric

yetregressing: Neal is just a genius

yetregressing: when really, Neal is just a fucking moron.

yetregressing: I just yelled at the screen. Man am I glad I'm alone at the apartment.

magibrain: Peter actually hangs a lantern on Neal's stupid no-consequences life in… Upper West Side Story, I think it is. Which is really gratifying, despite the fact that it doesn't actually result in Neal experiencing, wosscalled, consequences.

yetregressing: You know it's not good when I yell "SHOOT HIM" at Keller

magibrain: See, you understand why I went through so much of the series really wishing that Neal would get shot in the chest! It's not even because I dislike him. I do like Neal. I just want his life to have things that don't go his way.

magibrain: It's like how if you really love your kids, you'll still discipline them for doing things like cheating because they're only hurting themselves.

yetregressing: Exactly.

yetregressing: Because without consequences, he'll go back to the same fucked up behaviors that piss me off so much

magibrain: I want Neal to get to a point where he has a workable life with a support network that cares about him and circumstances which are not inherently poisonous! He is working against that grand plan and must be punished.

magibrain: Er. I mean.

yetregressing: THIS

yetregressing: I mean. :|

yetregressing: I just. For all his faults, I do love Neal.

magibrain: The writers just need to acknowledge that his faults are faults and not amazing wonderful clever little quirks of his that are all okay because he's Neal.

magibrain: Like, put in some narrative awareness that these things are not good, and stop twisting everything else in the show into pretzels in order to coddle him. Do these two things, and nothing about Neal's character needs to change for me to be 600% happier with it all.

yetregressing: exactly.

yetregressing: Like ALL YOU NEED TO DO is have Neal fail more.

yetregressing: Mozzie you are a fucking moron.

magibrain: Like, there's that recurring thing where Neal goes and does untrustworthy things and then seems to be genuinely hurt that people don't trust him. And I love that, as a character note. It speaks a lot to how fucked-up he is, and how much his understanding of how the world works is rooted in his skills as a con man, because it's the only thing he's found that reliably works. It's brilliant.

Except then the show goes and frames it all in a way that makes it clear that we're supposed to be on Neal's side and hurt and outraged that people don't trust Neal, and that takes all that brilliance and collapses it into sheer authorial stupid.

yetregressing: I want to slap Neal in the face so much.

yetregressing: HEY IT'S BEAU BRIDGES

yetregressing: But SUPPORTING WHAT YOU JUST SAID

[...]

yetregressing: ....Neal, you are upset because Peter is not telling you everything

yetregressing: LET'S SIT BACK AND EXAMINE OUR LIVES, WHY DON'T WE

[...]

yetregressing: fuck you Neal

yetregressing: fuck you

magibrain: Three words: parachute malfunction fic.

[...]

yetregressing: "Whatever mess he made, he made it, and whatever comes out of it, he's going to have to clean it up." EXCEPT NO HE WON'T EL

yetregressing: THAT'S THE WORST PART

[...]

yetregressing: oh my fucking god Tim DeKay

yetregressing: Ellad;kfjasd;klfjsa;kfjsa El

yetregressing: oh god El

yetregressing: literally the perfect wife

magibrain: Tim DeKay, basically. AMAZING.

magibrain: El. ALSO AMAZING.

yetregressing: SATCHMO BEST DOG

yetregressing: THE BURKE FAMILY IS PERFECT

magibrain: YES

yetregressing: AND THEY HAVE FUCKING ADORABLE CUTLERY

[...]

yetregressing: it's almost cute how Keller is like "HEY I HAVE A TEAM OF MY OWN I LOVE WORKING THAT'S ADORABLE"

magibrain: XD

magibrain: I forget. Do you know anything about Homestuck troll romance?

yetregressing: "LOOK HOW CUTE WE ARE GUYS OH MAN WHERE IS EL TO TAKE OUR PROM PICTURE- oh wait"

yetregressing: a little bit. You can use the words and I think I'll understand what they mean.

magibrain: I feel like Keller really really wants to be kismesises with Neal.

magibrain: "NO, IT'LL BE GREAT. YOU HATE ME, I SCORN YOU, AND WE CAN'T STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER. SOUNDS FUN, DONTIT?"

magibrain: And then Neal is all just "But I actually do want to stay away from you." And Keller is like "BUT I REALLY LIKE YOU IN THE RUINING-YOUR-LIFE WAY."

yetregressing: ahahahah yes

magibrain: …aw, fuck, it's just occurred to me that I can probably use troll romance icons in AO3 tags, because they use card suits and those exist as HTML entities.

yetregressing: omg Mozzie <3

yetregressing: YOU ARE STILL A MORON

yetregressing: but I love you

magibrain: I could conceivably tag something as "unrequited Keller♠Neal".

yetregressing: do it

magibrain: (It is also adorable how Peter/El drags everyone into their relationship as auspictices*. I could tag things as, like, Neal♣Peter/El.)

magibrain: (Diana♣Peter/El.)

yetregressing: ahahaha <3

magibrain: (Mozzie♣Peter/El.)

magibrain: (I should probably not be allowed this power.)

yetregressing: (you are the author, magi. YOU HAVE THE POWER ANYWAY)

*Okay, so I can't actually remember if auspictices also auspistize between redrom pairs, but shhh. Shhhh.

[...]

yetregressing: WAIT THE SHOW INJURED NEAL

yetregressing: also holy crap if he was unconscious that long that speaks to a SERIOUS injury

yetregressing: which means his coordination is gonna be way off

magibrain: FIIIIIIIC

yetregressing: I just

yetregressing: THE SHOW ACTUALLY INJURED NEAL

magibrain: Yeah, this episode, not good with medical consequence. BUT YES THEY INJURED NEAL.

yetregressing: but no wonder they don't like to show that much blood

yetregressing: because it looks fake as hell

magibrain: Hah.

yetregressing: like speaking as someone who is regularly covered in their own blood

magibrain: You are the expert on bloodening.